Depression is Rotten

…or is it rotting? I sometimes feel like I’m just rotting away when I’m like this. I’ve been really depressed, lately. Certain life things have gone on, but I think some of it is also down to medication.

I recently went on sertraline and lymecycline, the latter of which is an anti-biotic and isn’t related to my mental health, but in-fact for the health of my scalp, as I have folliculitis. I’ve been on them for I think 30 days now.

I noticed quite the improvement with my anxiety and thus my OCD, but noticed no difference with the depression. After a while, my depression seemed to worsen. I’m trying to keep a hold of the blues, so I don’t end up entirely #0000ff.

One cool thing that came of this new (for me) medication, is that I created a small Linux program I shan’t name that logs when I’ve taken my medication, amongst other things. I worked on it for about 3 weeks, updating it here and there; cleaning the code and what-not. I’ve not missed a single day, thanks to the damn nag whenever I go on the computer! I hope to share it with the Linux world at some point, but not yet.

Back to depression…

I’ve even had old returning thoughts (or “urges”) of self-harm, which I absolutely have no intention of following; been there, done that, and got the ugly, badly-fitting, scratchy-as-fuck t-shirt. I don’t deserve that shit, despite my brain often thinking otherwise.

I don’t deserve an incredible girlfriend. I don’t deserve money. I don’t deserve such a wicked dad. I don’t deserve my best mate. A lot of negative thoughts fly around my head, these days.

Linux has been really important. I feel like I’m accomplishing something; working towards something. Staring at code all day on a bazillion command line windows really does discourage mindless, depressing, bullshit thoughts.

Are you depressed? Feel free to “wallow” with me.

“Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.” – Alfred

As a side note to those of you who’ve followed me for some time now: thank you! I appreciate it, and I apologise if you’re annoyed by the lack of “life” posts and recent surge of nerd posts. What can I say, I’m a nerdy guy.

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Depressive Thoughts

I think it’s important to identify when you’re having depressive thoughts. What do I mean by that? Well, those thoughts one with depression might typically have, such as “I’m useless,” or “I’m worthless,” or “I’m a horrible person,” and so on. I’ve been having a lot of these over the last few days.

It’s OK, because I can’t be strong all the time, right? Well, yeah, but what if this is me really declining? My anxiety issues went progressively nutty for ages, then the OCD went on overdrive making me ill in the process, and now my depression is really ramping up a notch. I don’t like where this is going.

I recognise my decline, but has that changed anything? I suppose it has. I know that if I let myself slip further into this crap, I’ll be even more miserable, and that will also affect those around me, particularly my girlfriend; she has enough on her plate as it is.

I feel selfish. How dare I have problems! In all reality, I can’t help that I’m fucked up; I never asked for this. Still, that said, I feel like I’m being selfish and weak. I’m supposed to be strong. When I met my bit of stuff I was strong, I was fairly focused, and things were looking up! Now? Well, I’m anxious, depressed, withdrawn, disconnected, and really hating myself; not exactly a fantastic catch.

I’m taken over with thoughts that I’m not enough, I’m worthless, that she’s too good for me, that I don’t deserve her, that I’m holding her back, that I’m going nowhere, that I’m a failure, and so on. I hate it. I don’t need these thoughts. What happened to the positivity and strength I had before?

While I can’t give you logical, rational reasons why I’m a such stand-up guy (probably because I’m sat down) I can tell you that I’m going at least somewhere.

I went to an interview-like meeting today in which I saw a guy who’s with Mind. It was interesting, but I was a tad thrown off by his attire which wasn’t exactly formal and professional. The chap was probably dressed more casually than I. That said, maybe they do that to appeal more to people; to make people more comfortable.

I actually felt less at ease with the lack of formality; I’m weird like that. When you have to actually ask someone who’s standing in-front of you waiting, “do you work here?” then perhaps something is amiss.

If you dunno who Mind is, it’s Oxfordshire Mind, a charity-driven organisation that deal with various areas of mental health, within the Oxfordshire area of England; I’ve been in supported housing through them for almost 2 years, which you can read about on this blog, under the Supported Housing category.

I’m able to go to a support group so hopefully that’ll help, or just be awkward and stressful. I’m excited, but also anxious. I’m waiting for a course to start up that is for dealing with emotions. Sounds a bit silly, at least to me, but could very well be handy.

I just hope I can get myself back on the upswing before I go totally bonkers.

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Losing Someone

It’s scary to lose someone you’re involved with, isn’t it? I don’t mean a loss of life, as it were, but rather the loss of a romantic interest or a partner. I’ve not just now lost the she I’ve talked about lately; this isn’t one of those entries, but I am, however, worried about such a loss in the future.

I hate digging deep, finding hope and purpose, then losing it all because of something stupid or unexpected slapping me square in the face. In the past, I’ve given up and been let down. Either I’ve “let” my insecurities get to me, allowed myself to be backed up into a non-existent corner of my own making, or they were just arguably but sincerely not ready for a relationship; that’s just how it is, or rather, how it has been.

I think I could manage such a “loss” better this time, because it’s early days, I’m being very apprehensive, and I’m trying to stay as emotionally distant as I comfortably can, which is amusing, given how physically distant we are; well over 1,000 miles enough distance, do you reckon?

The distance sucks, I’m not going to sugar-coat it, but we have talked and planned about all sorts from visits to what it would be like to live together. Since it’s early days, and we both have things to sort out—such as my needing to first get a place of my own—we’ve gone for next Christmas as the time for her to possibly visit; I say possibly because I’m skeptical as a fantastic result of being a giant pessimist.

But I digress. What I’m really getting at, and what I’ve not long told her verbally on Skype is that I “don’t want to lose” her. I’m becoming a better person because of her. She makes me feel a happiness I’ve not felt in a long time. Hardly something to just ignore, all willy-nilly.

Just random thoughts. It’s not just losing her I’m worried about though, it’s me eventually freaking out and madly running the opposite direction. I’m scared to go through the same experience I have done in the past, and it’s really unnerving to go through this whole long-distance scenario again.

Ultimately, this is how it is, and if this is how it goes, then this is how it’ll be. Sometimes you just have to follow the current and see where it leads you, right?

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Seek and Destroy

Spend years being miserable and alone, behind bars with tall walls guarding you. Be full with regrets and insecurities. At long last, find something that makes you smile. Now piss all over it.

Welcome to my world—cue the countdown to a post-apocolyptic mess.

I self-sabotage when I get close to being happy and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe part of me wants to be alone, because it’s easy and safe.

OCD likes to kick me in the nuts every once in a while. My issues with anxiety results in panic over things not even relevant. On your marks, get set, ruminate!

Sometimes I wish I were blasé all the time; not giving a damn about anything and just going with the flow, dealing with each second as it ticks on by.

I don’t think I set out to sabotage things, but it seems to happen anyway. I can even recognise it now—go me. I wish, for once, I could just not care and get on with it, be however the hell I’m meant to be, for my own sake and for others.

I thought I’d become stronger, but maybe I was just hiding from everything; that’s not strength. I’m a coward?

Maybe I just need time to adjust to her giving a damn, and my—God help us all—really connecting with another human again. After all, it’s still very early days.

Do you push people away, especially on a romantic level, when they get close? When things get freaky, do you panic and feel the urge to bail?

Sometimes I want to run away to simplicity and predictability; familiarity. I don’t like the unknown; I don’t know it. Does it change how I feel about someone or something? Ultimately, no.

I could want to step outisde to do the rain dance so very badly, but if my brain tells me it’s scary, that rain might hurt, and it might not work, then I’m going to be full of doubts, so hello apprehension; is that normal?

Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts and feelings (particularly those relevant to this post) aren’t quite as unique and messed-up as I tend to believe; perhaps they’re just intensified by the OCD and circulated because of the resulting anxiety—it only takes one thought.

I’m so tired. Don’t even get me started on why my brain melts down at night. Why is it when the sun goes down, that’s when my brain rises more than ever? Well, I’ll tell you: it’s typically when I go to bed, left with my stupid thoughts taunting me.

Every once in a while, I need to escape my brain. Even prisoners get a small taste of freedom in the recreation room; perhaps a chance at peace from shivs, broken bones, and bruises.

Thank you Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this.

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Stop over-thinking!

Why is it so hard for some people to have a clear thought without it forking out towards undesired territories?

I’m used to meticulously thinking things through because of OCD, and this has been the way since I was a kid; I ruminate a lot as per the compulsion. Unfortunately, this means that I struggle a lot to just have a straight-up thought that doesn’t lead to something depressing, distressing, and/or aggravating.

“Stop worrying so much” – if only it were that simple.

Association. We might think of red and then be led to danger or passion. I think most of our thoughts work like this, as our brains are often assessing and problem-solving, but some of us, like me, can’t help but to get carried away. I give things meaning that I shouldn’t, and pursue thoughts best left well alone.

Think of OCD-style over-thinking like the Internet: there are links littered everywhere, but most people simply click those that apply to them at that given moment. Myself, however, I like to click every link I come across, being led to all sorts of bleak places until my browser history makes even the most morbidly curious person blush.

Genital enlargement? Sure, I’ll click that. Disturbing videos? Right on, bring it. Articles about death, disease, and misery? Yes please! Strange analgoy, but welcome to my brain; it’s volatile.

One such example, is when I’ve been in relationships in which I would have an obsession with the question of whether I really loved her. This lead to my ruminating over the question, ultimately leading to the what if, which in this case, is what if I didn’t?

There are a great many what ifs I’ve asked myself over the years.

What if I’m [thing]?
What if I did [thing]?
What if I didn’t do [thing]?
What if I were capable of doing [thing]?
What if they [thing]?

It’s a muddled bundle of gibberish I know I shouldn’t entertain, but they’re at the forefront of my mind and it takes so much energy to get them to fuck right off. There’s the thing: you shouldn’t fight these thoughts. I’m told I should accept them and move on, and I know that makes sense—giving the thoughts so much attention serves to perpetuate the obsession—but it’s something that takes a lot of work.

Although over-thinking can be a perfectly normal-person thing to experience, it’s something people with certain forms of OCD might experience very, very frequently. Intrusive thoughts come to mind—excuse the pun.

It’s frustrating, though. When you’re close to someone, then you’re suddenly hit with a thought, however ridiculous or unlikely, it stresses you out. What if you’re so close to the person that you’re used to being honest and open, then they query you; do you tell them what you’re thinking when they enquire as to why you’re so anxious or distracted?

What if your thoughts could be a catalyst for your partner’s insecurities? Is your purposefully holding back information from him or her an immoral, deceptive act? Are you lying to them? Maybe you’re lying to yourself.

So many questions and no answers, so you ponder some more; still left fumbling in the dark without a nice bright solution.

Thank you Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this.

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