Losing Someone

It’s scary to lose someone you’re involved with, isn’t it? I don’t mean a loss of life, as it were, but rather the loss of a romantic interest or a partner. I’ve not just now lost the she I’ve talked about lately; this isn’t one of those entries, but I am, however, worried about such a loss in the future.

I hate digging deep, finding hope and purpose, then losing it all because of something stupid or unexpected slapping me square in the face. In the past, I’ve given up and been let down. Either I’ve “let” my insecurities get to me, allowed myself to be backed up into a non-existent corner of my own making, or they were just arguably but sincerely not ready for a relationship; that’s just how it is, or rather, how it has been.

I think I could manage such a “loss” better this time, because it’s early days, I’m being very apprehensive, and I’m trying to stay as emotionally distant as I comfortably can, which is amusing, given how physically distant we are; well over 1,000 miles enough distance, do you reckon?

The distance sucks, I’m not going to sugar-coat it, but we have talked and planned about all sorts from visits to what it would be like to live together. Since it’s early days, and we both have things to sort out—such as my needing to first get a place of my own—we’ve gone for next Christmas as the time for her to possibly visit; I say possibly because I’m skeptical as a fantastic result of being a giant pessimist.

But I digress. What I’m really getting at, and what I’ve not long told her verbally on Skype is that I “don’t want to lose” her. I’m becoming a better person because of her. She makes me feel a happiness I’ve not felt in a long time. Hardly something to just ignore, all willy-nilly.

Just random thoughts. It’s not just losing her I’m worried about though, it’s me eventually freaking out and madly running the opposite direction. I’m scared to go through the same experience I have done in the past, and it’s really unnerving to go through this whole long-distance scenario again.

Ultimately, this is how it is, and if this is how it goes, then this is how it’ll be. Sometimes you just have to follow the current and see where it leads you, right?

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Connection Established

They get your jokes, and you get theirs. You slip up, blurting out nonsense, but it’s alright; they get the idea.

You become addicted to that giggle; the melody that puts a wide, aching smile on your face. You’re left with an ulcer on your cheek from smiling too much. You’ve even got pains in your gut from laughing so hard.

They share the majority of your thoughts and feelings. You have all these views and beliefs; some are far off, or just bat-shit crazy, but they understand; they get you.

You chuckle reminiscing over the silly conversations you’ve had; people looking at you with a confused expression on their face. What’s so funny?

You recall the serious topics, the laughter, and the many smiles. The hours spent rambling about everything, but sometimes merely nothing; the gentle hush.

They make you feel special; you matter.

The flip side. You only have the wires; the connection is strong, but the line is weak; stretched too far.

You’re being a defeatist; pessimist or realist? You await the collapse of that which has scarcely begun.

Maybe you should stop over-thinking, but the fear is loud. You’ve been there before; you had that pain. You experienced that allusive embrace, with the kiss and caress you cooked up in your mind.

One day it happened: you met and your wires tentatively collided; they gathered and tangled, but the pit in your stomach was the imminent end.

The conclusion came and went, leaving you broken and confused; untold chapters of a shapeless love story. Where’s the outcome I wanted at the start?

You tread too carefully and you reflect on the past; you’re worried what happened will pull the new wires apart.

Now you’re left seeking faults, but they just feel like excuses.

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You Can’t Pick Me Up

A lot of men are terrible when it comes to picking up on hints that a woman likes you.

I went into a shop today, and my dad was there as well, since we both had shopping to do. Apparently there’s a woman there that likes me; cute thing, and she seemed nice. I just thought the woman was being nice as per the job. My dad seemed to think she had a thing for me, and apparently it was obvious to the whole shop.

What?

It’s not the first time this has happened. I’m not saying this to toot horns or whatever, as nice as it is to know that even while feeling as though I looked like crap, I can still spark the interest of an attractive young woman, but, how the hell did I miss it if it were so damn obvious?

Maybe my fears of once again being in a relationship have made me ignorant to the basics.

How am I meant to actually manage such a situation, anyway? The only experience I have of—dare I say it—courting a woman, is simply getting to know a woman who is a friend, and things simply evolving around that friendship. I’ve never just gone up to a woman and said something like, “hey baby, wanna come back to my place and check out my guitar?” OK, nobody except rock stars would say that and get away with it! Also, the word “baby” makes me cringe. None-the-less, what am I meant to say? I don’t want to look like a complete moron—I look stupid enough as it is.

Everything I can think of to say to a random woman with whom a spark might’ve developed, always sounds weird or even creepy. I can’t even bring myself to list some ideas, because they’re just too cringe-worthy.

So, women, if you like a guy, you might have to just jump on him and suck those lips clean off his face before he gets the damn hint!

Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any sexual harassment lawsuits filed against you in the event that you test the above.

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