The Fear of Losing You

I’ve been in-love before; felt the longing; the passion; the adoration. I’ve just not felt it quite like this. I’ve never laughed, smiled, or been so happy this much with a woman. I’ve never felt so loved; so needed; wanted.

We’re such a good match. We can communicate. We both have a great sense of humor. We’re both pretty open-minded and don’t have our heads far up above the clouds so high.

I love the way she smiles. She has many different kinds, as I’m sure we all do. Bet you don’t have a smile like hers, though. Bet your smile doesn’t light me up; get me so giddy it’s embarrassing.

I can be me with her. I love to wind her up. I want her to feel good. I know she feels like shit sometimes — I do too — and because of that understanding, I feel like every smile and laugh matters.

I don’t think I’ve ever really considered myself a particularly “needy” person. I usually like my own space. I like to do my own thing. I’m an introvert, so I’m sort of used to being alone.

That said, I need her. When you have something incredible, the last thing you want is for it to slip away. Good job she’s a tad needy as well, eh?

“I just love you.” – To quote her, but of course it’s a ditto from me.

Cheesy entry, I know.

Side note: I won’t be using Twitter anymore, simply because it wasn’t really being used. 3 followers in all this time? Nah. I’ll just stick with posting here.

Yes, it’s Long Distance

Being in a long-distance relationship kinda sucks. It’s bad enough having my own depressing doubts without feeling scrutinized by other people as well.

“So you’ve never met each other, then?”

No, we haven’t. I know it isn’t traditional. Does that mean it’s not important? That it doesn’t matter? Just because we haven’t met yet, doesn’t mean we never will.

We haven’t physically met, but that doesn’t mean we’ve not seen each other, heard each other, or even had a level of physical intimacy, albeit not in person. This is 2016; we’re long past the days of dial-up Internet.

“You can’t really love somebody you’ve never met.”

You absolutely can. You can develop a strong connection with anything. If Raj from Big Bang Theory can fall in love with Siri, then I can fall in love with a wonderful woman in another country.

While it’s not all Sleepless in Seattle, it can and does sometimes work.

“You don’t even know each other.”

You try talking to someone to whom you find yourself getting closer and closer, almost daily, for a year, and tell me you don’t know them. When you go through stuff in life together, talking about all sorts, of course you learn plenty about one another.

I’m not delusional. I’ve battled this beast before. I know there are things that come up if we do finally meet and end up living together. That, however, doesn’t make what we’ve experienced inconsequential.

Since the physical side of things is mostly not possible, you’re left with a chance for a rich, vibrant line of communication that even many married couples don’t have. I’d rather that, than a relationship based entirely on sex; a relationship in which we never truly connect.

“She could be a nutcase for all you know.”

So could you.

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Staying Friends

I’ve noticed some people claiming a perfectly-decent friendship with their ex, sometimes even great; I have to wonder what their secret is, or whether they’re just full of crap.

Long after things were said and done with the woman from my first serious relationship, it occurred to me that we didn’t actually belong in each other’s lives anymore. The very same woman who is now married with a young child.

I just felt as though my being in her life was wrong; it was also screwing with my head, bringing up old memories and feelings I didn’t care to have.

Now I’m once again neck-deep into a situation in which I’m friends with an ex; a woman I care about a lot. How do I look past the closeness we once had?

Everything’s different now.

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It’s the Final Shutdown

Recently, I’ve been learning about shutting down, particularly in the context of a relationship. That awkward, hurtful silence as you realise something has gone awry.

Opening up is difficult, especially when you’re very upset or pissed off, and you just can’t seem to find the right words to express yourself, if indeed you wish to express yourself at all!

The situation may become more complicated when tricky mental health issues are involved. As someone with OCD, anxiety issues, and a history of depression, I’m only too aware as to how these sort of problems can skew an already difficult moment in relationships and friendships.

Unfortunately, shutting down often has a consequence. If I talk to you about something that you’re insecure about, and something I say “triggers” you, thus leading you to shut down and feel upset, then it’s problematic.

Why?

Because when someone shuts down like that, the other person doesn’t know how to react; the person being blocked out has no facts on which to base his or her thoughts and feelings, which leads to confusion, frustration, and sometimes even aggravation.

But wait!

This can be resolved with some careful communication. Even just a word or two from the person who has shut down—and an understanding approach from your partner—can make the world of difference.

Let’s say I tell you something that nudges your insecurities and you find yourself getting upset. You could then tell me “I’m feeling insecure,” or something to that effect, then it would very likely prevent my brain from jumping to the conclusion that I’ve totally and utterly screwed the pooch. Incidentally, who would screw a pooch?

Communication is so key because miscommunication can be damaging. Without clarifying misunderstandings, we can be lead to believe and react to all sorts of silly things that may be no more true than the sky being made out of chocolate. Mmm.

I was once in a relationship with someone who would frequently shut down on me. In my young ignorance, I handled it badly. I didn’t understand, and I didn’t know how to deal with that sort of thing. As a result, I became bitter and felt as though I couldn’t say anything for fear that it would be the wrong thing. While I did feel a similar way recently, I had the experience and foresight to deal with it better.

With that in mind, I recently ran into this situation in which mein Schatzi shut down on me a couple of nights ago. The situation was not handled well, because communication went entirely out of the window, leaving me confused (as to what I did wrong, for the most part) and frustrated, then eventually upset and annoyed. Once again, I went through that fear that anything I say could make her feel like crap; because of this, I myself started shutting down. I felt shut out, which doesn’t feel great.

There’s a happy ending here, I believe. We did talk very recently and the problem came to light—it actually wasn’t me, but rather, something with which she struggles and has done for a long time. Praise Jebus! A real problem became only a hurdle over which to leap. Progress was made, and we’ve began healing, now having more understanding and more strength as a couple.

Please don’t shut your other half out without so much as a how do you do. I know it can be hard. I’ve done it myself, many times. But, for the sake of you both, you are best to push yourself to say at least something that could alleviate any possible confusion or misunderstanding.

If you really can’t tackle whatever caused you to shut down, try something like, “I can’t talk right now. I’m going to take a break.” If it’s not something your partner has done to directly piss you off or hurt you, then you could try adding, “it’s not you.”

As for the person trying to deal with someone who has shut down on you: don’t force him or her! Encourage, sure, but know when to call it quits and give that person space, even if they don’t say anything!

My advice, should you choose to accept it, is to be mindful of how you give your partner space. Shouting, “I’ve had it with you!” then disappearing for a day might not be the best solution, nor is vanishing without saying anything.

However, calmly saying “I’m going to give us both some space to figure this out,” or something along those lines, could really help make it clearer what’s going on. Whatever works for you guys, really.

By no means am I a couples counsellor, so feel free to ignore all this—I’m just a 29-year-old guy with frankly lacklustre experience, however, I am an observant, analytical man who tries to pay attention to the details, and likes to learn from life, rather than breeze through without a care in the world.

Thank you Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this.

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Losing Someone

It’s scary to lose someone you’re involved with, isn’t it? I don’t mean a loss of life, as it were, but rather the loss of a romantic interest or a partner. I’ve not just now lost the she I’ve talked about lately; this isn’t one of those entries, but I am, however, worried about such a loss in the future.

I hate digging deep, finding hope and purpose, then losing it all because of something stupid or unexpected slapping me square in the face. In the past, I’ve given up and been let down. Either I’ve “let” my insecurities get to me, allowed myself to be backed up into a non-existent corner of my own making, or they were just arguably but sincerely not ready for a relationship; that’s just how it is, or rather, how it has been.

I think I could manage such a “loss” better this time, because it’s early days, I’m being very apprehensive, and I’m trying to stay as emotionally distant as I comfortably can, which is amusing, given how physically distant we are; well over 1,000 miles enough distance, do you reckon?

The distance sucks, I’m not going to sugar-coat it, but we have talked and planned about all sorts from visits to what it would be like to live together. Since it’s early days, and we both have things to sort out—such as my needing to first get a place of my own—we’ve gone for next Christmas as the time for her to possibly visit; I say possibly because I’m skeptical as a fantastic result of being a giant pessimist.

But I digress. What I’m really getting at, and what I’ve not long told her verbally on Skype is that I “don’t want to lose” her. I’m becoming a better person because of her. She makes me feel a happiness I’ve not felt in a long time. Hardly something to just ignore, all willy-nilly.

Just random thoughts. It’s not just losing her I’m worried about though, it’s me eventually freaking out and madly running the opposite direction. I’m scared to go through the same experience I have done in the past, and it’s really unnerving to go through this whole long-distance scenario again.

Ultimately, this is how it is, and if this is how it goes, then this is how it’ll be. Sometimes you just have to follow the current and see where it leads you, right?

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Connection Established

They get your jokes, and you get theirs. You slip up, blurting out nonsense, but it’s alright; they get the idea.

You become addicted to that giggle; the melody that puts a wide, aching smile on your face. You’re left with an ulcer on your cheek from smiling too much. You’ve even got pains in your gut from laughing so hard.

They share the majority of your thoughts and feelings. You have all these views and beliefs; some are far off, or just bat-shit crazy, but they understand; they get you.

You chuckle reminiscing over the silly conversations you’ve had; people looking at you with a confused expression on their face. What’s so funny?

You recall the serious topics, the laughter, and the many smiles. The hours spent rambling about everything, but sometimes merely nothing; the gentle hush.

They make you feel special; you matter.

The flip side. You only have the wires; the connection is strong, but the line is weak; stretched too far.

You’re being a defeatist; pessimist or realist? You await the collapse of that which has scarcely begun.

Maybe you should stop over-thinking, but the fear is loud. You’ve been there before; you had that pain. You experienced that allusive embrace, with the kiss and caress you cooked up in your mind.

One day it happened: you met and your wires tentatively collided; they gathered and tangled, but the pit in your stomach was the imminent end.

The conclusion came and went, leaving you broken and confused; untold chapters of a shapeless love story. Where’s the outcome I wanted at the start?

You tread too carefully and you reflect on the past; you’re worried what happened will pull the new wires apart.

Now you’re left seeking faults, but they just feel like excuses.

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