The Fear of Losing You

I’ve been in-love before; felt the longing; the passion; the adoration. I’ve just not felt it quite like this. I’ve never laughed, smiled, or been so happy this much with a woman. I’ve never felt so loved; so needed; wanted.

We’re such a good match. We can communicate. We both have a great sense of humor. We’re both pretty open-minded and don’t have our heads far up above the clouds so high.

I love the way she smiles. She has many different kinds, as I’m sure we all do. Bet you don’t have a smile like hers, though. Bet your smile doesn’t light me up; get me so giddy it’s embarrassing.

I can be me with her. I love to wind her up. I want her to feel good. I know she feels like shit sometimes — I do too — and because of that understanding, I feel like every smile and laugh matters.

I don’t think I’ve ever really considered myself a particularly “needy” person. I usually like my own space. I like to do my own thing. I’m an introvert, so I’m sort of used to being alone.

That said, I need her. When you have something incredible, the last thing you want is for it to slip away. Good job she’s a tad needy as well, eh?

“I just love you.” – To quote her, but of course it’s a ditto from me.

Cheesy entry, I know.

Side note: I won’t be using Twitter anymore, simply because it wasn’t really being used. 3 followers in all this time? Nah. I’ll just stick with posting here.


Losing Someone

It’s scary to lose someone you’re involved with, isn’t it? I don’t mean a loss of life, as it were, but rather the loss of a romantic interest or a partner. I’ve not just now lost the she I’ve talked about lately; this isn’t one of those entries, but I am, however, worried about such a loss in the future.

I hate digging deep, finding hope and purpose, then losing it all because of something stupid or unexpected slapping me square in the face. In the past, I’ve given up and been let down. Either I’ve “let” my insecurities get to me, allowed myself to be backed up into a non-existent corner of my own making, or they were just arguably but sincerely not ready for a relationship; that’s just how it is, or rather, how it has been.

I think I could manage such a “loss” better this time, because it’s early days, I’m being very apprehensive, and I’m trying to stay as emotionally distant as I comfortably can, which is amusing, given how physically distant we are; well over 1,000 miles enough distance, do you reckon?

The distance sucks, I’m not going to sugar-coat it, but we have talked and planned about all sorts from visits to what it would be like to live together. Since it’s early days, and we both have things to sort out—such as my needing to first get a place of my own—we’ve gone for next Christmas as the time for her to possibly visit; I say possibly because I’m skeptical as a fantastic result of being a giant pessimist.

But I digress. What I’m really getting at, and what I’ve not long told her verbally on Skype is that I “don’t want to lose” her. I’m becoming a better person because of her. She makes me feel a happiness I’ve not felt in a long time. Hardly something to just ignore, all willy-nilly.

Just random thoughts. It’s not just losing her I’m worried about though, it’s me eventually freaking out and madly running the opposite direction. I’m scared to go through the same experience I have done in the past, and it’s really unnerving to go through this whole long-distance scenario again.

Ultimately, this is how it is, and if this is how it goes, then this is how it’ll be. Sometimes you just have to follow the current and see where it leads you, right?

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I Can’t Weight to Lose It

Christmas is the time to stuff your face full of shite, but what if you’re paranoid how people see you and are obsessed with wanting to look a certain way, to the point at which it prevents you from going out because you’re so ashamed and anxious?

I’m not having a particularly fantastic day. I’m starting to see the damage of all the junk I’ve been eating and it doesn’t feel all that wonderful. To your average bloke, I probably sound like a woman complaining about this crap, but the fact is, there are plenty of guys who freak out about their weight as well; to be more precise, their perceptible percentage of body fat.

I used to be so thin—people would give me comments as to how thin I was. I didn’t have a great deal of muscle back then (not that I’m huge now) but I was thin! If I could only get back to that, somehow, I’d look so, so much better.

I managed to lose quite a lot of weight a while ago, as well as gaining much more muscle mass. As a 6ft male, I went from approximately 220lbs to 168lbs in under a year, and I never stepped one foot into a gym, unless you count my step-mother’s mini-gym. I worked out at home as I almost always have done, and moderated my food intake drastically. I was counting calories and logging my exercise; it was targeted, organised, and focused.

Now I can just about push myself to do a few pullups, pushups, chinups, use my “power-twister” bar, or jump on my exercise bike, but it’s not enough. All I’m doing is maintaining my weight. This is not progress—I’m stuck.

I’ve lost a big chunk of willpower, again, and it’s eating away at me. I even stopped going on those long walks that went on from an hour to almost 6 hours, through towns and villages, up and down hills; they were absolutely fantastic for me.

At some point I’m going to meet this incredible woman I’ve rambled on about lately—yes, she’s someone I’ve unfortunately so far only met on the line—I also want to look and feel good for her. I want to encourage and support her; share with her some of the strength, purpose, and optimism I’ve felt, but how can I do that properly if I’m being a moany hypocrite?

I have plenty enough knowledge and experience so I know what to do, I’m just struggling to bring myself to do it.

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