The Fear of Losing You

I’ve been in-love before; felt the longing; the passion; the adoration. I’ve just not felt it quite like this. I’ve never laughed, smiled, or been so happy this much with a woman. I’ve never felt so loved; so needed; wanted.

We’re such a good match. We can communicate. We both have a great sense of humor. We’re both pretty open-minded and don’t have our heads far up above the clouds so high.

I love the way she smiles. She has many different kinds, as I’m sure we all do. Bet you don’t have a smile like hers, though. Bet your smile doesn’t light me up; get me so giddy it’s embarrassing.

I can be me with her. I love to wind her up. I want her to feel good. I know she feels like shit sometimes — I do too — and because of that understanding, I feel like every smile and laugh matters.

I don’t think I’ve ever really considered myself a particularly “needy” person. I usually like my own space. I like to do my own thing. I’m an introvert, so I’m sort of used to being alone.

That said, I need her. When you have something incredible, the last thing you want is for it to slip away. Good job she’s a tad needy as well, eh?

“I just love you.” – To quote her, but of course it’s a ditto from me.

Cheesy entry, I know.

Side note: I won’t be using Twitter anymore, simply because it wasn’t really being used. 3 followers in all this time? Nah. I’ll just stick with posting here.

Yes, it’s Long Distance

Being in a long-distance relationship kinda sucks. It’s bad enough having my own depressing doubts without feeling scrutinized by other people as well.

“So you’ve never met each other, then?”

No, we haven’t. I know it isn’t traditional. Does that mean it’s not important? That it doesn’t matter? Just because we haven’t met yet, doesn’t mean we never will.

We haven’t physically met, but that doesn’t mean we’ve not seen each other, heard each other, or even had a level of physical intimacy, albeit not in person. This is 2016; we’re long past the days of dial-up Internet.

“You can’t really love somebody you’ve never met.”

You absolutely can. You can develop a strong connection with anything. If Raj from Big Bang Theory can fall in love with Siri, then I can fall in love with a wonderful woman in another country.

While it’s not all Sleepless in Seattle, it can and does sometimes work.

“You don’t even know each other.”

You try talking to someone to whom you find yourself getting closer and closer, almost daily, for a year, and tell me you don’t know them. When you go through stuff in life together, talking about all sorts, of course you learn plenty about one another.

I’m not delusional. I’ve battled this beast before. I know there are things that come up if we do finally meet and end up living together. That, however, doesn’t make what we’ve experienced inconsequential.

Since the physical side of things is mostly not possible, you’re left with a chance for a rich, vibrant line of communication that even many married couples don’t have. I’d rather that, than a relationship based entirely on sex; a relationship in which we never truly connect.

“She could be a nutcase for all you know.”

So could you.

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Losing Someone

It’s scary to lose someone you’re involved with, isn’t it? I don’t mean a loss of life, as it were, but rather the loss of a romantic interest or a partner. I’ve not just now lost the she I’ve talked about lately; this isn’t one of those entries, but I am, however, worried about such a loss in the future.

I hate digging deep, finding hope and purpose, then losing it all because of something stupid or unexpected slapping me square in the face. In the past, I’ve given up and been let down. Either I’ve “let” my insecurities get to me, allowed myself to be backed up into a non-existent corner of my own making, or they were just arguably but sincerely not ready for a relationship; that’s just how it is, or rather, how it has been.

I think I could manage such a “loss” better this time, because it’s early days, I’m being very apprehensive, and I’m trying to stay as emotionally distant as I comfortably can, which is amusing, given how physically distant we are; well over 1,000 miles enough distance, do you reckon?

The distance sucks, I’m not going to sugar-coat it, but we have talked and planned about all sorts from visits to what it would be like to live together. Since it’s early days, and we both have things to sort out—such as my needing to first get a place of my own—we’ve gone for next Christmas as the time for her to possibly visit; I say possibly because I’m skeptical as a fantastic result of being a giant pessimist.

But I digress. What I’m really getting at, and what I’ve not long told her verbally on Skype is that I “don’t want to lose” her. I’m becoming a better person because of her. She makes me feel a happiness I’ve not felt in a long time. Hardly something to just ignore, all willy-nilly.

Just random thoughts. It’s not just losing her I’m worried about though, it’s me eventually freaking out and madly running the opposite direction. I’m scared to go through the same experience I have done in the past, and it’s really unnerving to go through this whole long-distance scenario again.

Ultimately, this is how it is, and if this is how it goes, then this is how it’ll be. Sometimes you just have to follow the current and see where it leads you, right?

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Connection Established

They get your jokes, and you get theirs. You slip up, blurting out nonsense, but it’s alright; they get the idea.

You become addicted to that giggle; the melody that puts a wide, aching smile on your face. You’re left with an ulcer on your cheek from smiling too much. You’ve even got pains in your gut from laughing so hard.

They share the majority of your thoughts and feelings. You have all these views and beliefs; some are far off, or just bat-shit crazy, but they understand; they get you.

You chuckle reminiscing over the silly conversations you’ve had; people looking at you with a confused expression on their face. What’s so funny?

You recall the serious topics, the laughter, and the many smiles. The hours spent rambling about everything, but sometimes merely nothing; the gentle hush.

They make you feel special; you matter.

The flip side. You only have the wires; the connection is strong, but the line is weak; stretched too far.

You’re being a defeatist; pessimist or realist? You await the collapse of that which has scarcely begun.

Maybe you should stop over-thinking, but the fear is loud. You’ve been there before; you had that pain. You experienced that allusive embrace, with the kiss and caress you cooked up in your mind.

One day it happened: you met and your wires tentatively collided; they gathered and tangled, but the pit in your stomach was the imminent end.

The conclusion came and went, leaving you broken and confused; untold chapters of a shapeless love story. Where’s the outcome I wanted at the start?

You tread too carefully and you reflect on the past; you’re worried what happened will pull the new wires apart.

Now you’re left seeking faults, but they just feel like excuses.

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