Something happened tonight that knocked me back. Rather than shut down and hide away from how I feel, I thought I’d jump on here and try to put the feelings into words.
It’s typical that a man should be shallow and closed off, but what happens when you have a man who can be emotional and even sensitive? That’s me, and it’s a problem.
Men aren’t supposed to be emotional. Men are supposed to lock that shit down. Nobody wants to see a man have leaky eyeballs. A man is weak if he becomes emotional and sensitive; lesser. So society teaches us.
I want to stop bricking up and locking down when someone gets too close. I don’t want to bolt for the door when things get too tough. I’m sick of being self-destructive. I need to be better, for myself and for her.
I’m the sort of person who struggles to say how he feels about certain things with a woman, and sometimes with friends and family, such as when I’m upset or annoyed. I’m so preoccuped with being a good person and doing the right thing, that I just stop being a damn person.
A person will make mistakes. How many times have we screwed up to get to where we are now? We’re all screw-ups, but we learn because we talk about it. To this day there are people studying many years into the past to learn from our mistakes. If I hide from everything, I will learn nothing.
I’ve been connecting with a woman on a level I’ve not quite had before. It’s a very communicative thing that I’m finding both comforting and challenging.
On one hand, I feel good knowing that I can say some pretty messed-up crap and she’ll probably understand, but on the other, I’m vulnerable and that freaks me out.
I’m not just vulnerable to her, but my belly is open to being a giant fuck-up; that’s the worst. Sure, I’ve been open with a woman before, and yes, I’ve let down my guard with a woman before, but this feels different.
I’ve spent most of my life, until a couple of years ago, thinking I were some sort of nasty horror that hides in your basement. I’m just a man—I’m no demon, but I’m no angel either, and I think I have to learn to accept that.