Depression is Rotten

…or is it rotting? I sometimes feel like I’m just rotting away when I’m like this. I’ve been really depressed, lately. Certain life things have gone on, but I think some of it is also down to medication.

I recently went on sertraline and lymecycline, the latter of which is an anti-biotic and isn’t related to my mental health, but in-fact for the health of my scalp, as I have folliculitis. I’ve been on them for I think 30 days now.

I noticed quite the improvement with my anxiety and thus my OCD, but noticed no difference with the depression. After a while, my depression seemed to worsen. I’m trying to keep a hold of the blues, so I don’t end up entirely #0000ff.

One cool thing that came of this new (for me) medication, is that I created a small Linux program I shan’t name that logs when I’ve taken my medication, amongst other things. I worked on it for about 3 weeks, updating it here and there; cleaning the code and what-not. I’ve not missed a single day, thanks to the damn nag whenever I go on the computer! I hope to share it with the Linux world at some point, but not yet.

Back to depression…

I’ve even had old returning thoughts (or “urges”) of self-harm, which I absolutely have no intention of following; been there, done that, and got the ugly, badly-fitting, scratchy-as-fuck t-shirt. I don’t deserve that shit, despite my brain often thinking otherwise.

I don’t deserve an incredible girlfriend. I don’t deserve money. I don’t deserve such a wicked dad. I don’t deserve my best mate. A lot of negative thoughts fly around my head, these days.

Linux has been really important. I feel like I’m accomplishing something; working towards something. Staring at code all day on a bazillion command line windows really does discourage mindless, depressing, bullshit thoughts.

Are you depressed? Feel free to “wallow” with me.

“Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.” – Alfred

As a side note to those of you who’ve followed me for some time now: thank you! I appreciate it, and I apologise if you’re annoyed by the lack of “life” posts and recent surge of nerd posts. What can I say, I’m a nerdy guy.

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Mind the Supported Housing #7

I finally saw my support worker today; first time since a little before Christmas. I made it super clear that I wanted out of this supported housing malarky; it’s great ‘n’ all, but I’m just done now! I want to get this show on the road—I’m ready to go forward.

The woman broke protocol and did a health and safety check on her own. Ordinarily, there should be 2 people for safety reasons. I suppose they finally realise I’m not a nut-job and that she’s perfectly safe. Even so, protocol is set in place for a reason. I may not be a psychopath, but what about the next guy?

I told my support worker about my recent romantic interest and asked her for some information regarding the law with someone coming in from abroad and visiting as well as later living here with me; she took a note of that and said she’d chase that information up for me. She thought it was sweet and seemed quite optimistic, even mentioning us getting married one day in the not-too-distant future; I was quite surprised at that! Everyone seems so unrealistically optimistic.

I let my support worker know that lately my mood has been declining at night, despite waking up and being quite chipper. She asked if it’s perhaps because I’m not as busy at night, but I said I’m more busy at night.

Conversely, I talk to RB (what I’ll call my romantic interest, as it were) at night, so maybe I’m not keeping all that busy. I guess that leaves my mind open to think crap; could be an issue? Perhaps I need to be more mindful of my needing space to keep my mind busy and distracted.

I’ve got some paperwork regarding the two Mind courses I’ll be attending soon. I’m nervous but excited. One is for coping with strong emotions, and the other is for coping with anxiety; could be interesting. Might be a chance to meet some people and perhaps make a friend or two.

My support worker told me she’s trying to sort out an interview with someone to ascertain what kind of place would be suitable for me, then I’ll simply need to wait for a place to come up! After that, things get hectic for a while. Things may well be finally moving ahead into the great unknown.

I’m feeling stronger and more confident, despite the wobbly moments I’ve been having, which, if I’m honest, are mostly regarding RB and us. Although we’re not openly declaring that we’re in a relationship, there are plenty of aspects to it that fit such a label to an absolute T, and as such, it can be stressful.

A friend I haven’t seen in person for a long time would like to meet up in my town and hang out, so that could be fun. We get along well, but communication can be difficult at times, so patience and understanding is worthwhile; he’s very aware of this, which makes it easier.

I’m starting to feel good, for however long that’ll last.

Last night was difficult. I was pissed off, stressed, and depressed, but I went on my exercise bike for 30 minutes and it pretty much all went away. The bath thereafter was very nice and the evening spent chatting to RB was lovely, despite the several interruptions.

I just hope I get out of Mind’s embrace soon, so I can start my life as an even more independent man. Watch out world! I’m coming for you.

Part 8 can be found via this link!

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