Yes, it’s Long Distance

Being in a long-distance relationship kinda sucks. It’s bad enough having my own depressing doubts without feeling scrutinized by other people as well.

“So you’ve never met each other, then?”

No, we haven’t. I know it isn’t traditional. Does that mean it’s not important? That it doesn’t matter? Just because we haven’t met yet, doesn’t mean we never will.

We haven’t physically met, but that doesn’t mean we’ve not seen each other, heard each other, or even had a level of physical intimacy, albeit not in person. This is 2016; we’re long past the days of dial-up Internet.

“You can’t really love somebody you’ve never met.”

You absolutely can. You can develop a strong connection with anything. If Raj from Big Bang Theory can fall in love with Siri, then I can fall in love with a wonderful woman in another country.

While it’s not all Sleepless in Seattle, it can and does sometimes work.

“You don’t even know each other.”

You try talking to someone to whom you find yourself getting closer and closer, almost daily, for a year, and tell me you don’t know them. When you go through stuff in life together, talking about all sorts, of course you learn plenty about one another.

I’m not delusional. I’ve battled this beast before. I know there are things that come up if we do finally meet and end up living together. That, however, doesn’t make what we’ve experienced inconsequential.

Since the physical side of things is mostly not possible, you’re left with a chance for a rich, vibrant line of communication that even many married couples don’t have. I’d rather that, than a relationship based entirely on sex; a relationship in which we never truly connect.

“She could be a nutcase for all you know.”

So could you.

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Am I Even Human?

Do you ever feel as though you don’t belong?

It’s amazing how difficult it can be to find something online. By amazing, I mean aggravating to the point at which it makes you want to tear all your hair out until you unknowingly scalp yourself.

I’ve been trying to find a chat site so I could maybe talk with some like-minded people. You know, integrate myself into the human race. I tried one in particular, registering an account yesterday. The site seemed good at first, with a nice layout and some fun, social features.

Then I made contact with the natives.

Either the virtual rooms were empty, full of people who never said anything, or pleasantly full of conversational people. Unfortunately, the latter rooms ran the very high risk of inhabiting people with only the one, single, solitary brain cell, figuratively speaking of course.

I’m not just being obnoxiously mean—I’m referring to the people who do things like hurl abuse at you for no reason, also known as trolls.

I went over to Google again, searching for chat rooms for adults.

Of course, Google is a perverted tit who assumes I’m thinking about screwing someone, so what do I see? Chat rooms for people looking for one thing, and I can tell you right now, it’s not to sit down with a nice cup of coffee and to have a riveting chin-wag with a stranger about the latest philosophical theories.

Don’t get me wrong, I get some of the dirty stuff has its uses, but that doesn’t mean each and every time someone goes on Google, he or she wants to search for something to release dopamine. Maybe by typing in “adult chat room”, I simply want to have a conversation with an adult so I can not feel like the only human on the planet?

Why an adult? I’m one myself—after a while, some conversations just don’t float your boat anymore. I don’t want to chat with people who feel the need to put others down every chance they get, and I don’t care about the mob mentality I remember from secondary school. There’s just a higher chance of a friendly, no-nonsense chat with an older person, than a youngster, so I’ve experienced.

I always try to be a better version of me— since I’m obviously not even remotely perfect, I’m forever trying to be fair, understanding, respectful, and kind. Therefore, when I see people who don’t give a damn, being a complete imbecile to any and every soul they come across, it rapidly grates my testicles.

I realise we can’t all get along, but I was unpleasantly reminded that I don’t ordinarily like people; they’re strange, often irritating, and I usually find myself confused or annoyed by the things they do. It sometimes feels like I’m perhaps an alien life form planted here for the amusement of my grey kin.

Beam me up!

Thank you Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this.

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Talking is Tough

Tonight was educational, but challenging. Yet another example of why it’s often good to talk stuff through and not internalise it all. We shouldn’t be stressing to the point at which we’d be driving ourselves insane and potentially confusing or hurting other people in the process.

One of the trickiest things about being romantically involved with someone, I think, is communication. Yes, I know, “communication is so important in a relationship!” – y’all get it already. What I mean is that actually talking about the problematic things can be a real challenge, especially if you’re overly used to avoiding just that, like I am.

Occasionally, he or she will bug, befuddle, and discourage you. Typically, I run away from these situations, because I don’t know how to deal with them or what to say, and even when I grasp what to say or do, I don’t, because either I’m afraid of the aftermath or haven’t a clue whether I’m being a dick or not.

Sometimes I need time to deliberate; to figure out if it’s worth talking about or whether I’m just being stupid, but that leads to keeping everything locked up and never taking the plunge. Doing this far less is something I’ve been actively and stubbornly working on for over a month.

Sometimes you sincerely have to speak up when you’re uncomfortable or bothered about something, otherwise it’ll no doubt keep happening, lead to resentment, and then it’ll eventually drive a wedge between two people; I’ve been there before and it blew chunks, as the Americans would say.

I think a lot of the scrapes in a new relationship are from trying to find where the lines are drawn. Rather than spending the entire time guessing and ruminating, why not vocalise some of it in order to make life easier for you both? It can go a long way, as I’m discovering.

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You make me smile!

This entry is dedicated to those of you who make me smile. There are even people out there who I have sadly yet to meet or even talk to, but you make me smile.

One of the reasons I enjoy speaking to people online is because it’s easier to be you. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy “real life” communication as much as the next human, but sometimes a bit of web talk seems to bring out the honesty in peepoles. Take my best mate, who is local, for example, he’s quiet as a mouse, but over the many years I’ve known him, when we talk online, he’ll open up and be honest about things I think he’d struggle to vocalise in person, and this is a guy I’ve known for almost a decade.

Occasionally I’ll come across someone who just makes me smile and makes me feel, … good, for lack of a better word. You know? I probably sound bat-shit crazy right now. I’m not stoned, I promise. I don’t do drugs—drugs are bad, mmkay? I’m just a bit buzzed right now because I’ve had some really nice reminders lately that the world isn’t a complete pile of turd. Do you know, there are people out there that care about you? You might never have even met them, but they actually care.

We may be strangers, but together we stand on the same planet that feeds us and keeps us alive. We are united.

I was explaining to my dad today that there was an older woman at a shop who was struggling with her bags as she clearly bought more than intended. I was itching to ask her if I could help, but a couple of things got in the way. First, I was in the queue, about to be served, and didn’t want to look a right twat, plus she seemed to just about manage. Secondly, social anxiety kind of halts these weird outbursts of kindness. You have to keep in mind that this is England and people seem to rarely help strangers unless it’s their job, or so I’ve noticed. If I offer some woman I don’t know if I can help her with her bags, then I’m probably instantly a creep or some misogynistic knuckle-dragger. Stupid example, I know, but my point is that I cared about the woman. If I can care about random people I meet while shopping, maybe there are others out there like me who have a soft spot in their heart that cares for some of the people around them? That’s possible, right?

I’ve spent so long focusing on the wrong people. I’ve been feeling depressed about humanity, sometimes even angry at the world. People can be mean, but can be fan-bloody-tastic, like those of you reading these very words as they dance about on my computer screen, you know who you are! Yes, you!

Really, I’m not stoned or drunk, and I have a full deck of cards, albeit torn and creased over the years—I’m just feeling a little warm and fuzzy.

Thank you.

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