Depression is Rotten

…or is it rotting? I sometimes feel like I’m just rotting away when I’m like this. I’ve been really depressed, lately. Certain life things have gone on, but I think some of it is also down to medication.

I recently went on sertraline and lymecycline, the latter of which is an anti-biotic and isn’t related to my mental health, but in-fact for the health of my scalp, as I have folliculitis. I’ve been on them for I think 30 days now.

I noticed quite the improvement with my anxiety and thus my OCD, but noticed no difference with the depression. After a while, my depression seemed to worsen. I’m trying to keep a hold of the blues, so I don’t end up entirely #0000ff.

One cool thing that came of this new (for me) medication, is that I created a small Linux program I shan’t name that logs when I’ve taken my medication, amongst other things. I worked on it for about 3 weeks, updating it here and there; cleaning the code and what-not. I’ve not missed a single day, thanks to the damn nag whenever I go on the computer! I hope to share it with the Linux world at some point, but not yet.

Back to depression…

I’ve even had old returning thoughts (or “urges”) of self-harm, which I absolutely have no intention of following; been there, done that, and got the ugly, badly-fitting, scratchy-as-fuck t-shirt. I don’t deserve that shit, despite my brain often thinking otherwise.

I don’t deserve an incredible girlfriend. I don’t deserve money. I don’t deserve such a wicked dad. I don’t deserve my best mate. A lot of negative thoughts fly around my head, these days.

Linux has been really important. I feel like I’m accomplishing something; working towards something. Staring at code all day on a bazillion command line windows really does discourage mindless, depressing, bullshit thoughts.

Are you depressed? Feel free to “wallow” with me.

“Why do we fall, sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.” – Alfred

As a side note to those of you who’ve followed me for some time now: thank you! I appreciate it, and I apologise if you’re annoyed by the lack of “life” posts and recent surge of nerd posts. What can I say, I’m a nerdy guy.

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3 Things that Make me Happy

I don’t want this blog to be too depressing and negative. I’m fine with being a little depressing, but I don’t want y’all to shuffle off elsewhere, all miserable like. Sure, life is faeces sometimes, but it’s important to take a moment to acknowledge the things that make you happy. This is especially important for those with depression.

Here’s what makes me happy:

Elderly Couples Holding Hands

There’s a silly old romantic somewhere inside of me that smiles and feels all warm and fuzzy, like a fluffy kitten hugging a radiator (don’t ask) whenever I see an elderly couple all smiley, waltzing through town, hand in hand, without a care in the world. Dancy, dancy, dancy. La lalalaa. Seriously, it’s amazing.

This tells us love can conquer, when you’re old. You might be miserable for 99% of your life, but don’t worry, when you get all wrinkly, it’ll all change. I hear 80 is the new 20.

Making Someone Else Happy

I know this sounds like some silly, goody-two-shoes things to say, and like I’m just looking for an “aww, he’s such a good lad,” but actually, … I am! I’m wonderful.

Jokes aside, I enjoy making people smile and laugh; this goes doubly so when I have a special someone, but then I suppose that’s normal, otherwise I’d be a pretty boring partner, right? One of the annoying aspects of being single, at least for me, is that I don’t get that satisfaction of seeing a smile on the woman I adore; I don’t get to make nor hear her laugh because I said something undoubtedly stupid.

I know, I’m sick. I need to go find some knuckle-draggers and talk about boobs or something, to eradicate all this romantic bullcrap. Love isn’t real!

This tells us that not everyone is out to get you! There’s still that 0.01% of the population that are relatively decent people.

Challenging Myself … and Succeeding

I’m a pretty pessimistic person, it’s true. I’m cynical, as well. A true defeatist. In-fact, this blog is pointless; why did I even bother? I give up!

The odds are often stacked against me due to my mental health predicaments (OCD, anxiety, and a history of depression, if you’re a new reader) so when I manage to challenge myself, then succeed, it’s huge; a victory, and I’m all for victories, however small.

This tells us that I give myself crappy challenges sometimes we just need to feel a sense of accomplishment, and we can only really get that by setting challenges for ourselves.

While it’s nice to focus on that distant dream of being a billionaire, solving the mysteries of the universe, or trying to understand why cats are so adorable—you know, all of the important things—it’s still important to appreciate those smaller successes. We’re all winners.

A thank you to the Facebook page Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this blog entry.

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