I truly suck at coming to a decision about something, or do I? With my mind working hard at weighing up every possible odd and end that pops into it, I’m often left in what would seem to be an infinite game of Pong.
Luckily, the to and fro of indecisiveness comes to an end, eventually. Whether that decision is muddied by my OCD and anxiety or not, is absolutely a different matter.
Likely because of my passion for perfection, I try so hard to make the right decision, oh and not just for me! As long as the end-game is just, fair, and honorable, I can sometimes sleep soundly at night.
The urge to do the ‘right’ thing sometimes comes at quite the cost. Maybe I’ve seen too many old-school movies depicting a knight in shining armor the gals keep banging on about.
There’s always a sincere, perfect gentleman with a solid heart and mighty strength who finds a way to be selfless and honorable in any given situation; a man any woman would be proud to stand by. I think to some extent I grew up wanting to be like that. Maybe I just want to be the hero.
Sadly, all I seem to do is repeatedly shoot myself in the foot, so all I can really do is hobble over to a would-be princess and hope she won’t notice my wincing. Oh, what a fine man I’ve become! Eh…
Because I’m so obsessed with being righteous—preferably not in a pretentious, conceited sort of way—I find it so difficult to stick at a decision, especially when that affects somebody else. As a result, I inevitably fuck up. You can’t throw everything up in the air and expect to catch it all. Sometimes you have to let drop, to catch.
Despite my mental health, I wonder if I’d want to change this about myself. I like that I can at least strive to be good; to do the right thing. Sure, I occasionally balls up along the way, but my heart’s in the right place, and that’s what counts, right?
All I can do is hope that the people I hurt in my crusade of nobility can find it in their hearts to forgive me and have faith that what I do (however bizarre it may seem) is for a purpose I find to be good, and not just for me.
Thank you Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this.