I Love You

Damn, it’s impressive just how much power 3 little words can have. Heck, just 3 silly balls! Recently, the power of these special words got my ticker pumping, as my girlfriend told me how she really feels about me.

I’ll just be over here, scratching my head, trying to figure out why she hasn’t ran screaming for help. I’m obsessive, depressive, cynical, pessimistic, and probably hella moody, yet there she is, telling this tool right here that she loves me.

“Love is patient.” – she told me these words after I had a freak-out moment. She’s fantastic. I’m lucky. Do you know how I know she’s several cards short of a deck? Because apparently she loves me, and I can’t help but to think it takes a very special sort of woman to love a special sort of man like me, but regardless, she’s that way inclined.

Maybe I’m imagining it all. Maybe I just haven’t woken up yet. Maybe I’m in the Matrix. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Whatever the reason, I don’t think I’ll be complaining just yet.

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Depressive Thoughts

I think it’s important to identify when you’re having depressive thoughts. What do I mean by that? Well, those thoughts one with depression might typically have, such as “I’m useless,” or “I’m worthless,” or “I’m a horrible person,” and so on. I’ve been having a lot of these over the last few days.

It’s OK, because I can’t be strong all the time, right? Well, yeah, but what if this is me really declining? My anxiety issues went progressively nutty for ages, then the OCD went on overdrive making me ill in the process, and now my depression is really ramping up a notch. I don’t like where this is going.

I recognise my decline, but has that changed anything? I suppose it has. I know that if I let myself slip further into this crap, I’ll be even more miserable, and that will also affect those around me, particularly my girlfriend; she has enough on her plate as it is.

I feel selfish. How dare I have problems! In all reality, I can’t help that I’m fucked up; I never asked for this. Still, that said, I feel like I’m being selfish and weak. I’m supposed to be strong. When I met my bit of stuff I was strong, I was fairly focused, and things were looking up! Now? Well, I’m anxious, depressed, withdrawn, disconnected, and really hating myself; not exactly a fantastic catch.

I’m taken over with thoughts that I’m not enough, I’m worthless, that she’s too good for me, that I don’t deserve her, that I’m holding her back, that I’m going nowhere, that I’m a failure, and so on. I hate it. I don’t need these thoughts. What happened to the positivity and strength I had before?

While I can’t give you logical, rational reasons why I’m a such stand-up guy (probably because I’m sat down) I can tell you that I’m going at least somewhere.

I went to an interview-like meeting today in which I saw a guy who’s with Mind. It was interesting, but I was a tad thrown off by his attire which wasn’t exactly formal and professional. The chap was probably dressed more casually than I. That said, maybe they do that to appeal more to people; to make people more comfortable.

I actually felt less at ease with the lack of formality; I’m weird like that. When you have to actually ask someone who’s standing in-front of you waiting, “do you work here?” then perhaps something is amiss.

If you dunno who Mind is, it’s Oxfordshire Mind, a charity-driven organisation that deal with various areas of mental health, within the Oxfordshire area of England; I’ve been in supported housing through them for almost 2 years, which you can read about on this blog, under the Supported Housing category.

I’m able to go to a support group so hopefully that’ll help, or just be awkward and stressful. I’m excited, but also anxious. I’m waiting for a course to start up that is for dealing with emotions. Sounds a bit silly, at least to me, but could very well be handy.

I just hope I can get myself back on the upswing before I go totally bonkers.

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The Day of the Mother

I haven’t seen my mother in something like 13 or 14 years. The last time I saw her, I remember signing a document that blocked me from money that was saved for me by my dad and presumably herself. If I’m honest, I’m not sure I want her money, I just want what my dad worked hard for; I hate the idea of it being in her hands.

Today’s Mother’s Day, as if you didn’t already know. Those of you on Facebook will have it shoved in your face—guess what, Facebook? Not everyone gives a fuck and some people don’t wish to celebrate an ignorant, selfish mother who apparently couldn’t care less about her kids, kicking one out and driving the other away. Pretty much alone now, mother dearest, just like your batty mother was—bravo!

I don’t want to celebrate a mother who emotionally bullied me as a child. I don’t want to cheer on a mother who was too selfish—worried about her own image—to just get me help for very obvious mental health issues I have. Thanks, mummy.

Yeah, she gave up waiting for me to contact her. Perhaps she thinks one day I’ll have kids and will then suddenly understand why kicking out your struggling son at the wee age of early teenhood, rather than getting him support and actually not perpetuating his struggles with your own bullshit, is acceptable. Well, I’m 29 years old, and if I don’t see it now, I’m not going to.

Oh no! I went through what almost every kid goes through, oh and I threw a sock at you! Shock horror. That’s definitely a sign to boot your kid out the door.

But hey, so long as she looks like the wounded soldier, right? It’s all about her image. She’s the mother that had to make the really difficult decision. Me? I’m just the idiot, psychopath son, ungrateful for her sacrifice.

It doesn’t matter how old I get, I never like today and I never like celebrating it. I do have a solid step-mother, one that probably thinks I’m an ungrateful dick for never showering her with gifts and a card on Mother’s Day.

Screw you, Mother’s Day, and thanks for reminding me I don’t have a normal mother who actually wants to be part of her son’s life, supporting and encouraging him, getting to know the person for who he is, and not for his mental health issues!

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It’s the Final Shutdown

Recently, I’ve been learning about shutting down, particularly in the context of a relationship. That awkward, hurtful silence as you realise something has gone awry.

Opening up is difficult, especially when you’re very upset or pissed off, and you just can’t seem to find the right words to express yourself, if indeed you wish to express yourself at all!

The situation may become more complicated when tricky mental health issues are involved. As someone with OCD, anxiety issues, and a history of depression, I’m only too aware as to how these sort of problems can skew an already difficult moment in relationships and friendships.

Unfortunately, shutting down often has a consequence. If I talk to you about something that you’re insecure about, and something I say “triggers” you, thus leading you to shut down and feel upset, then it’s problematic.

Why?

Because when someone shuts down like that, the other person doesn’t know how to react; the person being blocked out has no facts on which to base his or her thoughts and feelings, which leads to confusion, frustration, and sometimes even aggravation.

But wait!

This can be resolved with some careful communication. Even just a word or two from the person who has shut down—and an understanding approach from your partner—can make the world of difference.

Let’s say I tell you something that nudges your insecurities and you find yourself getting upset. You could then tell me “I’m feeling insecure,” or something to that effect, then it would very likely prevent my brain from jumping to the conclusion that I’ve totally and utterly screwed the pooch. Incidentally, who would screw a pooch?

Communication is so key because miscommunication can be damaging. Without clarifying misunderstandings, we can be lead to believe and react to all sorts of silly things that may be no more true than the sky being made out of chocolate. Mmm.

I was once in a relationship with someone who would frequently shut down on me. In my young ignorance, I handled it badly. I didn’t understand, and I didn’t know how to deal with that sort of thing. As a result, I became bitter and felt as though I couldn’t say anything for fear that it would be the wrong thing. While I did feel a similar way recently, I had the experience and foresight to deal with it better.

With that in mind, I recently ran into this situation in which mein Schatzi shut down on me a couple of nights ago. The situation was not handled well, because communication went entirely out of the window, leaving me confused (as to what I did wrong, for the most part) and frustrated, then eventually upset and annoyed. Once again, I went through that fear that anything I say could make her feel like crap; because of this, I myself started shutting down. I felt shut out, which doesn’t feel great.

There’s a happy ending here, I believe. We did talk very recently and the problem came to light—it actually wasn’t me, but rather, something with which she struggles and has done for a long time. Praise Jebus! A real problem became only a hurdle over which to leap. Progress was made, and we’ve began healing, now having more understanding and more strength as a couple.

Please don’t shut your other half out without so much as a how do you do. I know it can be hard. I’ve done it myself, many times. But, for the sake of you both, you are best to push yourself to say at least something that could alleviate any possible confusion or misunderstanding.

If you really can’t tackle whatever caused you to shut down, try something like, “I can’t talk right now. I’m going to take a break.” If it’s not something your partner has done to directly piss you off or hurt you, then you could try adding, “it’s not you.”

As for the person trying to deal with someone who has shut down on you: don’t force him or her! Encourage, sure, but know when to call it quits and give that person space, even if they don’t say anything!

My advice, should you choose to accept it, is to be mindful of how you give your partner space. Shouting, “I’ve had it with you!” then disappearing for a day might not be the best solution, nor is vanishing without saying anything.

However, calmly saying “I’m going to give us both some space to figure this out,” or something along those lines, could really help make it clearer what’s going on. Whatever works for you guys, really.

By no means am I a couples counsellor, so feel free to ignore all this—I’m just a 29-year-old guy with frankly lacklustre experience, however, I am an observant, analytical man who tries to pay attention to the details, and likes to learn from life, rather than breeze through without a care in the world.

Thank you Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this.

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