I’m Going Slightly Insane

I feel like I’m going nuts, crazy, bonkers, whacko, insane in the sodding membrane. I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I’m not coping. I’m on the brink of leaking, losing my temper; I just want to shout, scream, and hit things. I can only stay “strong” for so long; I’m human too.

I feel smothered by stress and it’s overwhelming. A frustrating flatmate, yet again. Another upcoming move, this time into a bare place, likely in an unknown town, that has to be done within 3-7 days. Anxiety issues getting much worse. I’ll avoid making a list, since that’ll not help me, but suffice it to say, figuratively speaking, things are scraping at my skull.

I strongly want to tell everything to piss off and leave me alone. I’m fed up. I’ve had enough. I have NO clue how I’m meant to handle this move out of supported housing if I can’t even handle what’s going on right now.

Luckily, on the proverbial bright side, I have a couple of people who’re offering to help, such as family and friends, so that’s something; without such help, I’d be in even more of a pickel.

There better be light at the end of this fuck-tunnel.

Thank you Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this.

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Confrontation Sucks

One of the hardest things I’ve found with living with someone, is when you’re pissed off with something, in particular, that they’ve done. If you have anxiety issues, constantly second-guess yourself, and so struggle to confront people, how in the hell are you meant to deal with these situations?

When someone encroaches in on your space, uses or takes something of yours, or makes too much noise late at night, how exactly do you go about telling them to sort their shit out?

I have this mindset that people should think like me; it’s unhealthy, I know. Not everybody gives a damn about those around them, is courteous, or thoughtful. There are some who just don’t give a single hairy monkey about you or me.

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Screw You, Technology

I’m so sick and tired of technology.

How is it, after all these fantastic years of discovery and advancements, we have computers so smart they get sent into space, yet here on planet Earth, this Toshiba laptop refuses to use official drivers from two official locations, both Toshiba’s site and AMD’s site, on an operating system with which it was originally sold?

I’m fed up of Windows troubles. I’m sick of Skype not working; dying on Android then dying on my PC for seemingly no reason with no decent help to be found online, for others too. Messages not getting sent or received, calls being dropped, video failing to show, and surely more issues have plagued my various Skype installations for too long.

I’m sick of Microsoft with their questionable business decisions and obnoxious software changes, forcing us into some crap for which some of us frankly don’t give a shit. What exactly was so wrong with Windows Live Messenger with Plus! which worked so well, looked fantastic, and was so popular? Don’t even get me started on the initial XBOX One fiasco!

I’ve had enough of troubleshooting; having to test, remember each and every setting in-case the computer implodes at any given moment, and trying to figure out just how technology has somehow screwed me.

I’m sick of companies like Google sticking their noses up something that was perfectly fine the way it was! Sure, because we really needed Google+ and Google’s interference with what was a perfectly fine and dandy system on YouTube. Yeah, I said it.

Use Linux! I hear you shout. Well, I’ve ran into arguably more issues there than I ever have with modern Windows (7 and 8.1) so I have no clue what the hell to think of Linux. Crash after freeze after failed installation mixed with a terminal and computer jargon with which most probably don’t care to deal—not fun.

I’m tired of technology advancing so fast, making you spend so much money just to play games in a stable and pleasant way, despite having spent a sizable chunk of dosh to have a decent experience. Assuming, of course, the damn companies don’t make a complete and utter, dire, joke of a mess of these so-called AAA games; stutter, horrendous FPS on solid machines, CtDs, freezes, errors, corrupted saves, and so much more await many a modern PC gamer.

Technology, kindly go home, because you’re well and truly wankered.

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Meine deutsche Notizen #5

29:

Das alles. All of that. Everything of that. Dies ist ja was kleines, ist aber nützlich, zB wenn man “Ich hab das alles schon gemacht!” sagen will. Alles gilt auch für alles drei, was bedeutet all three oder wörtlich everything 3.

30:

die Leistung = power, zum Beispiel, die Akkuleistung bedeutet the battery power oder ‘performance’ wie Google es ins Englisch übersetzen wird. Die Macht ist jedoch was unterschiedliches, glaub ich, aber noch power, … vielleicht ähnlich wie die Stärke einer Person. Außerdem, der Akku bedeutet eine Batterie, oder einen ‘battery pack’ laut Google.

31:

Guter Spruch! Auch, einfacher gesagt: “Korrelation ist nicht gleich Kausalität.” Das Beispiel heißt that correlation is not the same as causality. Sehr gut gesagt. So ist es bekanntlich.

Noch was interessantes: gleich [Ding] braucht hier scheinlich keine Präposition und bedeutet einfach dass etwas das gleiche wie etwas anderes ist. Etwas ist gleich etwas. Something equals something.

32:

Etwas dabei sein = to be about to do something, or when you’re going to do something. Ich bin dabei, auf meinen Computer zu spielen. Ich bin dabei! = kann benutzt werden, wenn man I’m in! sagen will.

33:

nach etwas [Dativ] greifen = to reach for something, zB nach einer Waffe greifen. Eine Waffe runternehmen = to put a weapon down, such as if on command. Eine Waffe ziehen = to take out a weapon. Eine Waffe auf jdn. richten = to “level” (aim?) a weapon at somebody. Eine Waffe tragen = to carry a weapon. Eine Waffe gegen sich selbst richten = to turn a weapon on oneself.

Mit vorgehaltner Waffe = at gunpoint. Zu etwas gezwungen werden = forced to do something, such as at gunpoint. Man braucht nicht, glaub ich, das “zu” zu tippen, wenn so zu diesem Beispiel: “Meine Eltern zwingen mich, ein (das) Musikinstrument zu spielen.”

Geladene Waffe, (halb- oder voll-)automatische Waffe, bunkerbrechende Waffe, Taser-Waffe, blanke Waffe (melee weapon) oder Blankwaffe, versteckte Waffe, tödliche Waffe (deadly weapon).

34:

etwas [Akku] schätzen = to appreciate or value something. Das Wort hoch hinzufügen damit man something oder someone highly value can, zB: ich schätze dich hoch. Schätzen kann auch vermuten bedeuten, zB, ich vermute oder schätze, dass es heute regen wird.

35:

etwas [Akku] verbergen = to hide something. Etwas vor jdm. verbergen = to hide something from somebody. Ich glaub das Wort verbergen ist nicht so das gleiche wie verstecken. Verstecken, aus meiner Sicht, ist to hide, während etwas verbergen is to conceal something. Was auch immer einen Unterschied das macht!

36:

die Angelegenheit = matter, case, cause, issue, concern, usw. Man kann eine ernste, wahre, klare, dumme, usw Angelegenheit haben. Diese ernste Angelegenheit über Rasse ist etwas, gegen das wir alle kämpfen sollen.

37:

etwas (auf etwas) ‘runterbrechen = to break something down (into something).

38:

um etwas erzielen = to score, reach, and obtain something, zB etwas machen, um den besten Effekt zu erzielen = to do something to reach the best effect, oder einfach for best effect.

39:

sich auf das Ohr legen oder hauen = to put ones head down, for bed. Zum Beispiel, ich hau oder lege mich jetzt auf das Ohr.

40:

auf etwas stehen = to stand for something, to fancy or like something. Zum Beispiel, sie steht auf starke Männer! Oder, stehst du auf was zum Trinken?

41:

Ich wünsche (es), dass ich mich an dir festhalten könnte. = I wish that I could hold onto you tightly. Sich an jdm. oder etwas (Dativ) fest halten = to hold onto someone or something tightly. Nicht genau das gleiche wie jdn. festhalten.

42:

entlang = along, zB: ich gehe durch die Straße entlang = I’m going/walking down the street. Oder, ich bin durch die Straße entlang gegangen = I went down the street. (perfekte vergangenheitsform) Ich gehe auf die Straße entlang passt gar nicht denn das Wort ‘auf’ lässt es falsch sein.

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Meine deutsche Notizen #4

19:

“ich merke es mir vor” hat mir jemand gerade gesagt in einem Forum. Er wollte sagen, glaub ich, dass er sich an etwas (ein Angebot das ich ihm gemacht hatte) erinnern werde.

Das Syntax, zu dem es passt ist: “sich [Dativ] etwas merken. Man kann die Präposition “vor” in den Satz hinzufügen, wenn es gebraucht ist.

20:

Es gibt viele Weise die man “currently” sagen kann. Hier gibts ein paar davon:

Zur Zeit = presently und Synonyme davon. Dieses Wort hab ich heute in einer Nachricht die mir jemand geschenkt hatte gesehen.

bisher = for now, so far, und as yet, zeigt, glaub ich, dass es sich schließlich ändern könnte. Ich habe dieses Wort auf Facebook gesehen, wenn es bisher keine Kommentare gibt.

21:

mit etwas auseinandersetzen. = to deal with something, zB: “Ich hab keine Zeit mehr, mit dir auseinanderzusetzen.” = “I have no more time to deal with you.” Noch eines: “Ich setze mit meinem Auto einaus.”

22:

jdm. bescheid sagen wird nicht benutzt genau wie ich vorher gedacht hatte. Bescheid sagen heißt nur informieren. Jdm. gehörig bescheid sagen ist was anderes das bedeutet: to give someone a piece of your mind.

23:

Eingeben (enter, zB Text auf nem Computer)  ich hatte “eingeben” in nem Forum benutzt wenn ich scheinbar nicht brauchte, das zu machen. Das Wort eingeben hat mehr Fokus auf den Text auf einem Computer einzugeben, sonst wird es normalerwise als schreiben gesagt.

24:

Nicht mehr freifühlen sagen! Sich freifühlen passt, aber bleib einfach bei dieser Weise: “Du kannst gerne, …” ist schon besser. Der Poster der mir drüber gesagt, erklärte dass… er nie vorher gehört hat, jemand wer das sagte.

25:

auf jdn. (zu)gehen = to go up to someone. Beispiele: Ich ging auf ihn zu und sagte: “Was machst du denn hier?!” Ich bin auf sie zugegangen aber sie sagte mir, “Nein!” Ich werde auf ihn zugehen, dann sage ich ihm, dass ich angekommen bin. Und so weiter.

26:

auf [Dativ] Seite = on [thing] side. zB Das Auto ist auf meiner linken Seite. Die Katze legt gerade auf meiner rechten Seite hin. (hinlegen: lie down) Bei meiner Seite heißt by my side und ist nicht ganz das gleiche wie auf meiner Seite, wie auf Englisch.

27:

Außergewöhnlich = out of the ordinary; extraordinary. Wunderbar = wonderful. Wunderschön = keine übersetzung aber ziemlich wie wonderful und beautiful oder was ähnliches. Ausgezeichnet = excellent oder splendid. Grundsätzlich = in principle, absolutely, basically, fundamentally.

Noch mehr: fantastisch = fantastic. Krank = sick [Umgs]. Wahnsinnig = insane [Umgs]. Unglaublich = unbelievable. Unerhört = outrageous. (erhören = to answer)

28:

etwas auf [Akku] etwas einstellen. To set something to something. Die Päposition auf sollte benutzt werden. Wenn man das mit das Wort Einstellung/en sagen will, sagte ers ohne das andere Teil des Wortes -ein.

ZB: Ich habe die Einstellung auf Tief, Hoch, An, Aus, usw gestellt. Merke, es wird hier scheinlich kein -ein gesagt.

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I Feel

I’ve spent years trying to avoid, bury, ignore, and fight feelings. To me, emotions are scary, and I find them confusing and sometimes overwhelming.

Feel – we say that, as though we can glide our fingers over our hearts and sense the texture of what makes us tick. I guess because it’s sometimes so raw that we might as well have our hearts in our hands, feeling as it pulses and bleeds. I would rather feel this on the inside, away from prying eyes, than have it out in the open for all to see how weak I feel.

Today has been a crap day. Amongst the fluffy bunnies were nasty little goblins. I had a stab of emotion that I can only assume to be the past stalking me. I suppose you need to swing the door open to let someone in, but the catch? You also must hold it open to let stuff out.

It’s not just about opening up, but allowing someone to see what greets them.

Hello.

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Mind the Supported Housing #8

I am so sick of supported housing. I’m no longer being all that “supported” and I feel as though I’m being treated like a non-person.

My support worker is becoming almost entirely useless and it’s really pissing me off. Two weeks ago she missed an appointment for our support session that we had previously made.

Via text, we rescheduled for Tuesday, last week, and she was a no-show for that too! I text my support worker a couple of times and got absolutely nothing back from her until just now.

My current and previous support worker came through into the house, opening the front door with a key, without bothering to wait for me to get dressed and open the door—I was sleeping, as it was 10am and I went to sleep at 4am—with a potential new flatmate, who just so happens to be a female; I didn’t even think that was allowed.

I looked at my phone once they left and noticed that my support worker did text me this morning, a little before they had come around. She knows full well that my sleep isn’t fantastic and that I would be asleep at that time, so the very text telling me she was coming over at 10:30am today was utterly pointless.

You don’t spring this crap on a normal person, let alone someone with mental health issues; it’s just out of order. They should all know better. I’m so fed up of being treated like how I feel is redundant. I wouldn’t treat someone normal like this, let alone in a professional setting!

The text I got from my support worker this morning started with an apology followed by an excuse. The woman said the reason for her absence was because she has been off and has “only just come back in.” She couldn’t tell me this beforehand? Or at the very least have someone else keep me informed.

She continued the text by berating herself, saying, “Useless person!” Yeah, because that’s professional, and totally makes up for everything. Am I supposed to feel sorry for her?

On the bright side, she also mentioned seeing the council to discuss my nomination in order to get the merry hell out of here; I guess that’s something.

I particularly like the “thanks” at the end of the text, which really just rubs it in. What, you’re welcome for treating me like a moron? Cheers! Spot on. What-ho. Tralala.

Since I didn’t want to make a bad impression with the potential new flatmate, I couldn’t really have a go at my support worker there and then. I sent her a text when they left, once I got hers. I told her the score, ending with, “I might be disabled, but I’m a person with thoughts and feelings just like you.”

I’m not happy, but with any luck, I will be out of here soon and able to wash my hands of these people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the assist in a difficult time in my life, but that doesn’t mean I should accept being treated this way.

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Perspective of Depression

When you’re depressed, it’s like you’re in a pitch black room, fumbling around trying to turn on the light.

Once you finally flick that switch, the room is revealed, and everything suddenly makes sense as you finally get your bearings and see it was there all along.

When someone else goes into that same room and he or she cannot see the light switch, you try to point, “it’s over there!” But they can’t see it—they’ve yet to find it.

 Thank you Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this.

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