We’re Under Development

There’s something special about getting to know a new romantic interest; the eventuality of your tough, towering barriers gradually being bashed and worn down to a mere nub. I mean, OK, so obviously that’s a thing, but Lord knows I’ll analyse the crap out of it.

An analogy I used recently, is that we, as an item—a woman and I—are like a jigsaw puzzle. I’ve been getting some of the edge pieces first, because that makes it easier, right? It’s starting to look pretty good, but there’s a huge center and it’s a fairly big puzzle. Every now and again I find a small cluster of pieces that link up and make a little sense on their own, but I just don’t understand where they fit on that mysterious puzzle, as a whole.

I’m not extraordinarily experienced in the world of love or relationships, but I am an observant man whose aim is to learn, not only from my own screw-ups, but from others’. I’ve been in two serious relationships, the remaining few “girls” were either a silly part of my life that I unfortunately regret, something that wasn’t particularly serious, or just from a time when I was rather young.

I say girls, because I really mean not women, but girls. I’ve been single for a few years now, have grown up plenty, and have no interest in “girls” anymore; I’m too old for that shit; they pissed me off to no end with their thirst for drama and backwards, game-playing mentality; it’s a real woman I need.

Those two relationships that really stood out? Well, one was crazy, the other was crazier. This women now is endearingly batshit, yet this time she’s insane enough to be awesome, but has just enough cards in her deck that I’m not awake most nights stressing about her.

Something I’ve learned is not to get too carried away; a little space to think and evaluate the situation can go a long way. It’s really difficult when you like someone so much that all those emotions are flying around your heart and your skull; you can’t make heads nor tails of any of it. It’s so easy to rush; to get distracted by what you want in that moment, versus what you need in the long run.

I sometimes get quite apprehensive; anxious. Am I getting carried away? Sometimes I think I am—perhaps I occasionally distance myself a little. I don’t want to look back one day and feel yet more sodding regret; I have enough of that already. I want this to work, for us both. I’m sick of being alone and feeling like I don’t deserve to be happy, because I do, and she already makes me happy.

“Avoiding unhappiness is not the road to happiness.”Fantastic British movie, Hector and the Search for Happiness, the lead role in which was played by the one and only, Simon Pegg.

It feels especially important that I do this right, because the years are gathering; I really don’t want to go through any further of them, searching or sat waiting for the one. What if that elusive uno can be almost anybody? It might not be an especially romantic notion, but it may well be the most realistic. With care, patience, persistence, understanding, respect, and even hard work, maybe anyone can some day be your singular and you, theirs.

Maybe we can actually happen, but it must be one step at a time. It’s still early days, but as my dad says, “you never know.” When I look in that rear-view mirror, I want to see her smiling, hear her laughter, and appreciate the foreshadow of what’s to happily transpire, not arguments, sadness, and resentment.

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