Seek and Destroy

Spend years being miserable and alone, behind bars with tall walls guarding you. Be full with regrets and insecurities. At long last, find something that makes you smile. Now piss all over it.

Welcome to my world—cue the countdown to a post-apocolyptic mess.

I self-sabotage when I get close to being happy and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I don’t deserve happiness. Maybe part of me wants to be alone, because it’s easy and safe.

OCD likes to kick me in the nuts every once in a while. My issues with anxiety results in panic over things not even relevant. On your marks, get set, ruminate!

Sometimes I wish I were blasé all the time; not giving a damn about anything and just going with the flow, dealing with each second as it ticks on by.

I don’t think I set out to sabotage things, but it seems to happen anyway. I can even recognise it now—go me. I wish, for once, I could just not care and get on with it, be however the hell I’m meant to be, for my own sake and for others.

I thought I’d become stronger, but maybe I was just hiding from everything; that’s not strength. I’m a coward?

Maybe I just need time to adjust to her giving a damn, and my—God help us all—really connecting with another human again. After all, it’s still very early days.

Do you push people away, especially on a romantic level, when they get close? When things get freaky, do you panic and feel the urge to bail?

Sometimes I want to run away to simplicity and predictability; familiarity. I don’t like the unknown; I don’t know it. Does it change how I feel about someone or something? Ultimately, no.

I could want to step outisde to do the rain dance so very badly, but if my brain tells me it’s scary, that rain might hurt, and it might not work, then I’m going to be full of doubts, so hello apprehension; is that normal?

Sometimes I wonder if my thoughts and feelings (particularly those relevant to this post) aren’t quite as unique and messed-up as I tend to believe; perhaps they’re just intensified by the OCD and circulated because of the resulting anxiety—it only takes one thought.

I’m so tired. Don’t even get me started on why my brain melts down at night. Why is it when the sun goes down, that’s when my brain rises more than ever? Well, I’ll tell you: it’s typically when I go to bed, left with my stupid thoughts taunting me.

Every once in a while, I need to escape my brain. Even prisoners get a small taste of freedom in the recreation room; perhaps a chance at peace from shivs, broken bones, and bruises.

Thank you Mental Health and Invisible Illness Resources for sharing this.

Keep up to date with Taut with Thought’s Twitter page!
https://twitter.com/tautwiththought

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