Feeling Guilty

Jesus, do I feel guilty. I’ve spent my whole life drowning in guilt. As a kid, I was always that boy who did a bunch of stupid crap. If something went wrong, I probably did it. To be fair, I was a perfectly normal screw-up who learned the hard way.

Feeling guilty for finding a woman pretty and nice, but why? It’s OK, she wasn’t some scary Hills Have Eyes woman; she’s just some random woman who was friendly to me again at a local petrol station.

Why do I feel guilty for finding a woman pretty and nice, you ask? Because, I explain, for a while I’ve had some strong, growing feelings for a pretty awesome woman, but it’s not currently doable, for reasons I’ll avoid getting into, and as a result, despite how close we are with each other, we have the friends label; less complicated, in theory.

Guilt is a strange thing. We’re considered “human” for feeling guilty, yet the truly guilty are held in cages like animals, sometimes even put down. In Christianity, you’re apparently forgiven for your sins by simply turning to Jesus Christ: “The moment a person turns from sin to Jesus Christ in faith, his sin is forgiven.” – as quoted by gotquestions.

I feel guilty for things that haven’t even happened. I feel like a criminal for mere thoughts and feelings; things not even actually physical. I have OCD, as mentioned elsewhere on TwT, and this results in a lot of unpleasant, intrusive thoughts, that, when younger, once made me feel such a deep, raw level of guilt that I became very depressed and self-destructive.

I’m so obsessed with righteousness. Consider spending your whole life insisting that every action or inaction necessitates that you be just, moral, and decent. Muse the notion of feeling scrutinised by everyone about very-nearly everything you do. The idea of my screwing up is unnerving, to say the least.

“To this day there are people studying many years into the past to learn from our mistakes.” – taken from an earlier entry, I Want to be a Better Man, I talk about how screwing up is a perfectly normal, human thing to do and typically results in lessons learned; I really need to chew this one over, where guilt is concerned.

Do you feel guilty?

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