Women don’t want a man with mental health problems, right?

It’s 1:23am, I’m tired, and I’m on my own. Don’t get me wrong, there’s some great sides to being single, at least there would be were I not plagued by stupid mental health bullcrap that has no business being in my head.

I’m a guy. I like women. I wanna be out there exploring, or, better yet, exploring with one woman who is my own—totally not in a creepy possessive way—rather than feeling imprisoned inside my own head, and most of the time stuck indoors, typically with sod all to do except the same damn two things I’ve been doing for years, ever since I were a lad: guitar and computer.

OK, OK… so it’s not all bad. I can teach myself German, connect with people across the globe, get advice about obscure or embarrassing things, and totally not occasionally peruse certain dopamine-releasing websites.

I’ve started this suggesting it’s about the physical stuff. Sure, I miss the physical stuff. But it’s not just that sort of stuff that I miss, it’s the closeness, the passion, the love; all that gooey stuff women go mental over in bloody, terrifying horror romantic movies, like Ghost and Dirty Dancing, both of which I’ve willingly actually seen, as in, without a gun to my head.

No, what I’m talking about is primarily the companionship; the kind of nearness you can’t get from another bloke, unless of course you’re wired that way, which I’m firmly not. I’ve been single for a few years now, but I do remember quite clearly how great it feels to have someone there. I miss the feeling of hope, strength, and purpose.

But I’m “disabled.” I don’t work as a result, and have no idea when or perhaps even if that’s going to be a proper thing that I can realistically, consistently actually do. I’ve never had an official job, only cash-in-hand type jobs that I somehow was able to do some millenia ago, oh and volunteer work a couple of years ago, which sadly did not last too long.

My point? I think it’s common for a man to measure his worth based on how much money he makes, so what happens when a man makes no money but instead relies on the income luckily provided to him by his government? How much am I worth, now? A woman wants security. Money offers security. Sure, I can clobber some robber’s head with an assortment of workout equipment, or just go it alone with lefty and righty, but I can’t go around beating up the council when they demand rent, or my ISP, when they decide they want their money; apparently it’s illegal.

I’m told it doesn’t matter how much money a man makes, but the older I get, the more I feel it truly does matter. A woman doesn’t want to provide for the man, and fair play to them—I get it—but what happens to someone like me? I suppose I should be grateful that I do have money, and I wouldn’t say I’m poor either, but none-the-less, I do not have a job, and my income is only through benefits, therefore, my desirability seems to sink to the deepest depths of something really deep.

I know there are situations in which two people might find each other and see past all this bullshit, but I find this a rare occurrence, particularly for the man. For some reason, it seems OK for the woman to be disabled by mental health problems, but the man gets overlooked. I’m sure I’m entirely wrong but this is an assumption based on an observation of the many single males with mental health issues, and the many taken women with mental health issues. I apologise for my pessimistic side looming over me, tonight.

Is this all in my head?

Truthfully, there are so, so many reasons why mental health problems are, well, a problem for relationships. There is, however, that one woman out there who gets it. That one woman is patient, understanding, and perhaps even has a little experience of such problems herself. That one woman still would love me for me, despite my downfalls that I never fucking asked for.

I did not ask to be disabled by this crap. This was not my choice. I have worked bloody hard to make the best of what I have, as little as that might seem to a normal person.

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10 thoughts on “Women don’t want a man with mental health problems, right?

  1. It feels like the world is small, but in reality it’s quite vast. I could provide the data of the amount of women in the world who are single, but I won’t do that, ha.

    I do agree that men have a more difficult time regarding to social expectations of mentally ill people. Society is more forgiving towards women regarding to mental health, while men are still told to “stop being a pussy”. A woman with mental illness is labeled crazy, but a man is labeled a loser. Double standards, I say!

    I feel the same way in wanting someone close. I wonder if any guy would ever want me despite that I am “crazy”. The fear of being alone for the rest of my life is terrifying. Who would want to deal with all of my baggage? I have a shit ton.

    I keep getting told in group that in order for someone to love me, I need to love myself first. Sounds like a load of crap, but in reality, they are right.

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    1. I think this double standards things is a real problem where gender is concerned.

      My ex was very unstable, so yes, it does happen, but I fear men like me who are patient, relatively understanding, and able to overlook some of these mental health setbacks, are about as common as women with those same attributes. That said, in the interest of being honest, whether I would get involved with a woman with the same problems as she had, is, in the interesting of self-preservation, just a firm no, because at the end of the day, no matter how great she was, she was too unstable and it did a serious number on me and the relationship.

      I’ve heard that as well—the love thing—and always thought it was a load of nonsense, or wrote it off because I’ve never loved myself, and don’t really want to. However, as the years went on by, I learned to work on myself (that still sounds cheesy to me) to a point I could, not love myself, but appreciate and find things I liked about myself, even if that meant working at something. I may not be perfect, and I may not love myself, but I like my mental and emotional strength and persistance not to give up, I like my loyalty, and I like the skills I’ve developed over the years, even if I’m no genius at them.

      I wouldn’t necessarily say learn to love yourself, but I would say learn to appreciate yourself, learn to find things about yourself that you like, and work on the things that you don’t. If it goes well, perhaps one day you would learn to love yourself. Personally, humility drives me to improve myself, so if I loved myself, I wouldn’t improve myself, which doesn’t sound appealing to me.

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  2. Also the problem of not working is that you don’t tend to meet many people. I found working gave me a team camaraderie that I’ve since missed. I didn’t realise how vital work was to my wellbeing until I stopped! I think there is wellbeing outside of work but you have to really work (for want of a better word) at it.

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    1. That’s another problem I have in general, really. Because of the social anxiety, I don’t meet people all that often, at least locally. I’m not in college anymore, so I don’t get my social fix from that.

      The volunteer work I did a while back was ideal, as it was outside, with some friendly people, and often in the countryside. I’d go back to it if it weren’t so early! I often struggle with sleep, so getting up at 8-9am consistently is not easy for me, to the point of being unhealthy. I was doing OK until my neighbour upstairs decided to be a noisy sod, amongst other things.

      Do you find it harder to socialise being a mother? Or has it actually helped due to having common ground perhaps with other mothers?

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      1. I’ve gone from being very sociable to very introvert. Before the boys were diagnosed I felt very alienated and lost and I’ve got into a habit of catering solely to their needs and forgetting that I have needs to. Don’t get me wrong I’m not a martyr it’s the easy option to cater to them because it’s less stress and in all honesty I’m mostly ok with taking a step back from other people because I often find people a let down. I’m not lonely I’m quite happy with my own company I feel like my life is different now and that’s ok. I’m different now too like last night I went to that exercise class on my own I’d rather go in my own because relying on other people often ends up with disappointment. In a funny way I’m more introvert but also more confident years ago I would never have gone to a class on my own. I’m rambling but what I’m trying to say is it’s different now but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Most other people just don’t understand why things have to be done the way they are so staying at a distance is easier….I’m lazy! So do you socialise on the Internet because you seem like you want to socialise?

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      2. I was actually also once very social. I had plenty of (not very good) friends, a girlfriend, and I was often out doing social things, like pubbing and wondering off into town or to people’s houses. I think I was still introverted, but I was none-the-less trying to keep myself out there as much as I could, and to some extent I was loving it.

        I think it makes sense that you would forget that you matter as well, because you are of course a mother, and so you clearly put your children before you, but here’s an idea for you to mull over: being there for yourself as well, may mean you can be better there for your kids, if that makes sense. I’m no father, but it’s something I believe, regardless. For example, if you never slept because it’s all about your kids, you’d be a wreck, and would probably miss things you otherwise wouldn’t if you were well-rested, does that sound about right?

        I wish my mother had been as supportive for me as a child, as you are for your kids.

        It sounds like you’re happy with your life the way it is, and that’s awesome! It sounds like you’ve also been “burned” quite a lot by people in the past, so I don’t blame you for expecting the worst from people, as it seems, and I’m the same way to be honest. I’m very cynical, and pretty pessimistic; it’s something I try to work on, but some people in this world keep making it oh-so easy to be this way.

        Anywho, yeah, I socialise online. Because of the German, I sort of have to socialise, but otherwise, I have a local friend who I chat to online when inbetween visits, and family up in Scotland who I tend to keep in touch with over Facebook. Gaming can also yield some typically gamer-based friendships. Then there’s places like this blog where I connect with people on a deeper, more honest level. I do want to socialise more in “real life” but the lack of “ins”, if you know what I mean, doesn’t help, but mainly, the social anxiety.

        Oh, and, by all means, ramble all you like. 🙂

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    1. Is that because you feel such a person would understand your struggles more and so you’d feel more comfortable, like you wouldn’t have to hide part of yourself, and what-not? Just curious, because that’s how it is for me. I’m not intentionally looking for a woman who only has mental health problems, but rather, I feel it’s more likely that a woman with similar problems would understand, as opposed to a “healthy” woman. Honestly, I just don’t want to have to constantly hide my anxiety and OCD from that one person you’re supposed to be yourself with. Sometimes it takes a lot of energy to pretend like everything’s fluffy bunnies. All of a sudden this feels like group therapy. Haha.

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      1. I think that’s part of it, but I also know that being in a relationship with someone who ALSO has mental health issues can make things harder, not easier, cause if you’re both having an off day it becomes even bigger. So wanting someone who understands me is only part of it. It’s more that I just wouldn’t have a problem with it. I’m not physically disabled and I wouldn’t have a problem dating someone who is physically disabled. We all have our struggles, you know? So to me it doesn’t matter what those struggles are so long as a couple we could work together to overcome them.

        On that note now I sound like a Hallmark card instead of group therapy =P

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      2. Agreed. My ex was incredibly unstable and it screwed me and the relationship up in the end. Just one of those things, I guess. Hope more women are as open minded as you and surely others here.

        Yeah, I do get a hint of Hallmark. Haha.

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