The Toll is Being Taken

It feels like I’m doing nowt, but in my lame defense, I do lots on my computer, such as dealing with this blog, studying up or practicing my German, games for fun, reading guitar tablature, watching stuff on YT as though it were a TV, and so on! But it’s just not outside, it’s not ‘proper’ social stuff, and it’s not exercise which is giving me a case of cabin fever. I’m sick of being stuck indoors most of the time, and I’m worried about the potential side effects of being so, both mental and physical.

I’m off to my dad’s in about 10-15 minutes as he rang me up offering one of my favorite home-cooked meals: mince ‘n’ tatties. That’s mince and potatoes, to you lot who aren’t familiar with the Scottish lingo.

I’ve had a lot of stuff roaming around my skull lately. I’ve been feeling empty and alone. I miss having someone. I hate that the idea of having someone freaks me out. The idea of the stresses that “having someone” brings is equally stressful.

I discovered I’ve put on weight, despite not looking as bad as I had thought, and even thought I’d lost some body fat. I had hoped that meant I’ve just put on muscle, which I suppose I may well have done, but I’ve also gained body fat which is pissing me off. It’s my own fault, really. All the crap with moving here through some of my best laid routines outta whack and I’ve just really struggled to get back into the game, as it were. I’m not eating all that badly, really. In-fact, I’m not sure why I’m gaining given how little I eat. I assume it’s the lack of exercise. There’s so much to the subject of fitness that I could be here for ages trying to figure out what it is or isn’t, but the fact remains that I need to sort my shit out.

I’m Just so frustrated and pissed off with myself. I worked so hard to lose so much weight and to gain muscle, but if I carry on feeling so defeated and keep lacking willpower, I’m going to end up back at square #1 and that scares the crap out of me, because I felt completely and utterly rubbish the way I was; I just gave up.

With my mental health crap, things always go up and down. I’ve been ‘strong’ for a while, blasting through some tough challenges, and I guess I’m just going through a down phase. I’m not a manic-depressive, but it’s a similar idea, just not so exaggerated as I assume it is with a manic-depressive, or Bipolar Disorder as I think they call it now.

I got offered to join in on another interview for potential support worker staff. I’m anxious about it, whereas I was a hit last time and apparently very good at it. I’m wanting to go, minus the usual anxiety making me apprehensive, but I’m also concerned that my sleeping pattern is going to get in the way as usual. I was doing very well with my sleep, but lately it’s gone bad, thanks in part to the idiot upstairs, my stupid OCD, and well that’s about it.

I haven’t posted too much in a diary fashion, about personal stuff that goes through my head and/or heart, but I’m going to try to do that more, on the off-chance it’ll be insightful or interesting to you, plus it might help me gather my thoughts.

Off I go to get ready for an awesome munch.

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2 thoughts on “The Toll is Being Taken

  1. I feel a lot of the same things you are feeling. I sit at home consuming my time with games, Netflix and youtube.

    Don’t give up on your weight. Our bodies are strange and don’t always act the way we want them to. Gaining muscle and losing weight is a tricky thing. Consistency is the key.

    We are both just super lonely people, aren’t we?


    1. Dunno if I’d say I’m super lonely, but there are definitely times when I feel super lonely. The problem is, I’m just so used to it now. In a way, I’m comfortable like this. I wouldn’t say I’m miserable, but I’m definitely not content.

      I was doing well with the weight, or rather, with the body in general, and did actually manage muscle gain and body fat loss, but nowadays, I’m just too tired, too preoccupied with something else, or just outright lack the willpower for working out properly, thus the weight is creeping back. Kind of sucks being a Pringle, because I know if I weren’t such a crisp, I’d have more reason to do things. Nothing drives a man quite like a woman. Hah.

      I tend to do things for me, for others, rather than for myself, if that makes any sense at all. Even just making myself look nice and presentable every time I go out is just my social anxiety making me feel the need to look a way I think is good and makes me feel comfortable, because if just one thing is off, OCD kicks in and I get anxious as hell.

      Liked by 1 person

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